Considering Adoption?by Karen Bordelon

(scroll down for the pros and cons of

adopting TWO children at one time)

Ask any LEEAF family how they feel about their adopted child and they will tell you that they can't imagine life without their child.  The joy that their child brings into their lives is overwhelming. Having a family and being a parent is wonderful! Children bring a strong feeling of fulfillment that cannot be achieved any other way!  But adoption can bring some unique challenges into your life.

  Here are some things to consider before you make the commitment to adopt: 

1.  Can I accept the lack of privacy during the adoption process and during post-placement  which comes from the involvement of the adoption and homestudy agency? 

2.  Is there complete agreement between parents about the adoption and type of child you are seeking to adopt?

3.  In the beginning stages of researching adoption, it will be like opening a flood gate.  You will be overwhelmed with the amount of information out there on all types of adoption!  Can you commit the time it will take to research the type of adoption that is right for you? There are lots of decisions to be made once the decision to adopt has been made:  International vs. domestic (open or closed adoption for domestic), country you would like to adopt from, age and sex of the child, adoption agency (There are hundreds of agencies), etc. 

4.  Do I have an openness to seeking professional help or support should the need arise?  Will I be proactive if I feel there is a problem?  Early intervention is absolutely critical if there is a problem!  Adoptive parents are advised never to use the "wait and see" approach. Will I be an advocate for my child?

5.  Do I understand that adoption's core issues affect each family member throughout life?

6.  Will I feel comfortable talking about adoption issues and answering questions from my child throughout the years?

7.  Can I handle insensitive or intrusive questions from family, friends, and strangers?

8.  Can I commit to providing the emotional support my child may need as he/she gets older by being involved with a support group where he/she can meet others with similar adoption stories?

9.  Can I accept the unknown?  What genetic surprises might be in store (both positive and negative)?

10.  Am I financially able to raise a child?

11.  Do I have the time to invest into the life of a child? (Children require LARGE amounts of your time!)

12.  Do I have the energy and patience it takes to raise a child?

13.  Can I work through the confusion of what issues really need to be addressed and what issues are due to our own adoption sensitivities?  Many of the issues you will deal with are issues all parents deal with (toilet training, discipline, toddler tantrums) but some will be unique to post institionalized children.

14.  Can I accept that each child is a unique individual with unique needs, strengths, and weaknesses, and that child should be accepted for who they are, regardless of how different they may be from you? .

15.  Do I have the diligence to find the right support or specialist should the need arise?  Some of the issues your children may face can be new/unique to your pediatrician. Our son had some food issues. It took time to find a specialist that understood the food issues associated with post-institionalized children.

16.  Can I fully embrace the fact that adoption does require a certain leap of faith? (Much like every other major decision we make in life!)

17.  Can I accept the fact that some of the post institionalized behaviors my child may  have may not dissolve "overnight"?  Some children will need plenty of time and patience to work through their issues. 

18.  Do I have the patience it sometimes takes to complete an international adoption?   The process can be what many of us call, "an emotional roller coaster".  Rarely does anyone's adoption process go as smoothly as you would like it to go, but the end result will be the adoption of your child!

19.  A good sense of humor is necessary!

This list is not meant to scare anyone, but to bring an awareness to issues you may not have thought about.  Also, keep in mind that experts agree that the longer the child is in an institution, the more issues and delays he/she will have.   Early intervention was the key to our children's dramatic improvements!   I feel that early intervention is absolutely critical.  Do not take the "wait and see" approach if you suspect any delays, even if you have to get several opinions.

    Over the years, I have talked with many adoptive families.  It seems that the most common issues faced by families are: developmental delays (fine and gross motor), speech and language delays (mostly for children over one year), social/emotional delays, overeating for weeks or months after arrival or refusing to eat certain textures and tastes, temper tantrums as they try to adjust to their new surroundings and a new language, problems adjusting to a new school/language (for older children), sensory integration issues (Our children are coming from deprived environments.  Most have never felt grass or sand on their feet and many have never been outside),  and overcoming fears of unfamiliar  things (My daughter was terrified of Beanie Babies and all animals).  The likelihood that you will adopt a child with problems so severe that they completely disrupt your family is small. I was once told my someone before our adoption,  "Try to learn a little bit about all of the issues you may face (attachment, eating, sleeping,  developmental delays, etc.), understanding that you won't know what the exact issues are with your child until you get to know your child.You can't bury her head in the sand and ignore the possibility of having issues to work through.  Hope for the best, but prepare yourself for potential problems you may encounter.  Know where to find the resources should you need them."  Educate yourself before adoption, talk to others that have adopted by attending one of the LEEAF events, and realize that hundreds of families before you have successfully adopted children from Eastern Europe and couldn't be happier.

To gain a better understanding of the issues associated with international adoption, visit:

Thinking of Adopting - www.thinkingofadopting.com - excellent site.  Offers telecourses, list of registered Russian agencies, etc.

The information presented on this page is written by an adoptive parent.  The information gathered does not come from an official survey of adoptive parents and is not a substitute for professional advice.

Pros and Cons of Adopting Two Children at the same time:

by: Karen Bordelon (adopted one infant in 1997, adopted a 13 mo. old and 23 mo. old together in 2000.)

PROS:

1.  The overall cost is less compared to two separate adoptions.

2.  Your child has an instant playmate.

3.  The trip to a foreign country can be very difficult for many reasons.  You cut your trips in half.

4.  Only one set of paperwork to complete and post-placement visits are combined for both children.  Post-adoption paperwork (readoption, SS card) is done only one time.

5. They will share that common bond of being adopted from the same orphanage/region and may have the same birth parents. (Usually children adopted together are from the same orphanage, but this may not always be the case). 

CONS:

1.  Children require LARGE amounts of your time.  You will have less time to spend with each child individually. 

2.  Post-institutionalized children can require special services (OT, PT, speech therapy).  You will have "double" the amount of appointments if both children require services.

3.  Raising children can be expensive.

4.  The adjustment period can be exhausting!  Two children will require more energy, patience, and time.

5.  If adopting older children, one of the children may become the "translator" for the other child.  This can delay speech development if one child is relying on the other one to communicate.

Other things to think about and consider as your make your decision:

1.  Children's personalities can be as different as night and day.  Different children will require a different amount of attention.  Some children are very easy going and others are just the opposite.  When we adopted two children together in 2000, they were very different.  One was very easy going, happy, and adjusted quickly and easily.  The other was just the opposite and required large amounts of time, energy, and patience.  If both children had had the same temperament, it would have been difficult for our family to handle the adjustment period.  On a positive note, they did get along very well with each other and enjoyed each other's company.  While playing, they would periodically look for the other one, just to make sure that brother/sister was still there. 

2.  Try to find out as much as you can about the children's personalities before committing to adoption.  If the children are in the same group in the orphanage, ask for feedback regarding the way the two children relate to each other.  Sometimes two children just do not "mesh" for whatever reason.

3.  It helps a great deal to talk to others that have adopted two children at one time but remember, everyone's experience will be different.  The personalities of the parents also play a huge role.

4.  Think about how much support you will receive from family, your spouse and friends.  If you live close to family members and close friends that will be there for you, that will make a big difference!